Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. A lot of painful disappointments in life. Absolutely. So maybe Mom here does need to let go, and open the daughter up to a better relationship with Dad. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. I take little credit for how lucky I am. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. So, encourage her to spend time with him. First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. What would be the point of responding to him when he would not be the one reading it? Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. Eating vegetables or just trying any new food? I think she may have deactivated. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. But it isnt you guys against him. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. it seems to . More my daughter is a student and is not working right now, so i don't have her paying. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. (Though I do try to find the stuff I like the best of the stuff he likes.) Yes. Why cant he ask simple questions about what is her favorite episode and why? My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. The way he is reminds me of my dad who, when I was growing up, if I was doing something HE didnt see the value in like I was watching the wrong shows on TV (GARBAGE, hed call it), for example would force me to turn it off. This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. Ha! Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. Do not let that behavior continue. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. Good stuff all around! Im not saying that its ok for parents to openly derisively mock their children or laughing at their failures or their humiliation. he wants to teach her to drive. One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. Give it a look and let me know what you think. Im notorious for doing this to family and friends, but you know what? How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. You may not see the rewards right away. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Roll your eyes!?! And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. He(now) jokes that he and my mom missed out on the music of the 80s (and therefore dont know any of it) because they were listening to the wheels on the bus on repeat for the entire decade. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. Its interesting how the commenters with nice, loving parents saw this one way, and those of us with our experience saw it as something much darker. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). Its not rocket science. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. Your husband sounds like a jerk. Are any of these familiar to you? is that daughter has been driving with her dad for . painted_lady If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. I cant think of a single interest that we shared from when I was a teenager that I didnt learn from him in some way. My dad said to me that the best thing you can do as a parent is expose your kid to all of their options and let them decide from there. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. One of my faves is when they all de-evolve into more primitive forms and Worf-monster hunts Picard around the ship. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. Exactly Lily! HA! Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Liquid Luck I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Theyll sacrifice a perfect moment of tenderness if they feel there is the possibility of a reciprocal expectation lurking behind the scenes. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. You sometimes got what you needed but not what you expected in unpredictable moments that made no sense. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. Forget it. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. I have to just try harder.. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? It struck me the wrong way, too. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. honeybeenicki He and I read together every night when i was little, and I remember reading beauty and the beast with him, which I cant imagine was his first choice. Did I love that stuff? We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. for making her suffer through these things she finds boring, but the resentment will be short-term and the benefits will last much longer. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). I forgive you!. Buffy was popular in what, 1997? Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. Those twin feelings are what create the strong urge to come back with intense commitment after each escape.. 6napkinburger She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. I mean ever. lets_be_honest June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Losing the . What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? And he is a loyal friend. Usually sharks.). As always, your anonymity is golden. I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom Yes, he makes fun of my sister and mother and i whenever we talk a lot about Girly things, like makeup and hair, which I find annoying and a little jerky; but I dont think hes failed at parenting because of it. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. And musicals should be revered as an art form. She's madly in love with him but it seems he's no nearer to noticing her feelings than he was when she started. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. I thought that was actually really funny. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. BtVS not mature and intelligent? 1. It makes them feel safe. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. This is a throw away account. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. Maybe shell end up in the entertainment industry, or become a writer. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! Thats unfortunate (to say the least! Really truly. Soulmate Initial On Left Thumb? lets_be_honest For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? After all, they are two different people with two different perspectives. Tell them in detail what you like about them. I was born in 87 so grew up in the 90s, yet was still exposed to a LOT of 80s pop culture through reruns and radio and older peers. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. 1. Nope, not from Scranton. Spyglassez About Us . Being oblivious to financial matters. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid.
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